Sidney had gotten home from the arena and walked into the house. He stopped by for some take out, thinking anything to help Karen would get her back to normal. Sidney walked in the front door and called for Karen. When she didn't answer, Sidney called again but started to walk through the house looking for her. He went into the kitchen and put the food on the counter. He was about to yell again when he saw the door was ajar to the patio. He opened it a little more and walked out, seeing Karen sitting on the couch staring out at nothing. When he saw the glistening off her cheek, he realized something happened at work.
"Baby?" he asked softy as he sat beside her. "Karen, baby what wrong?"
She wanted to tell him nothing was wrong, but she promised herself she wouldn't exclude him for her feelings. "Nat had a doctor's appointment this morning and came into work late. I guess she had an ultrasound and was showing everyone the picture of her baby."
"I'm sorry baby. That must've been hard for you."
"I tired to show happiness for her and everything but by lunch time it just got to be too much. I finished up my stuff and left, crying all the way home." Sidney put his arm on her back and rubbed it as she continued. "Some days I can put it all aside and come to terms with it, but other days I just want to stay in bed, under the covers and let this all go away."
"Would you at least come out and watch me play?" Sidney said hoping to lighten the mood.
"As sexy as you are in that uniform, it just might be the only thing" she said with a smile. Her smile soon faded "I'm sorry Sid, I'm don't know why I can't get passed this. I know our time will come to have our baby and I am happy for Natalie and Max, I just don't know why this hurts so much."
"Maybe it's time to go talk to someone impartial."
"Subtle way of saying I'm going crazy Crosby?"
"Not at all baby" he said with a smile as she called him by his last name "I've always known you were crazy."
"Be thankful that this is the calmer side of it" she said smiling back to him. "I just don't know if I want to drag someone else into this and hearing them tell me to just take it one day at a time and it will all work out in the end."
"Then talk to me. Maybe we could just talk and get it all out in the open. Would that help?"
"Maybe."
"Since it's not a game night and I did bring food home, how about we eat then build a fire inside and sit and talk."
"I think I would like that." Sidney brought her in for a kiss and pressed his forehead to hers when they broke apart thankful she was meeting him half way and wanted to talk. They got up a minute later and headed in to eat.
After they ate, Karen put the dishes into the dishwasher and headed upstairs to change clothes. Sidney followed her up and changed into more comfortable clothes as well, going back downstairs to wait for her. When she came back down, Sidney smiled at how beautiful she looked with the most simple clothes on.
"Don't know how I'll be able to concentrate on you when you look like that."
"Sid, you've seen me in this in how many nights. I wear this style tank top and shorts to bed every night."
"I know and how many times have I not been able to keep my hands off of you."
"Step one, make me feel better by complimenting me...check."
"Well hopefully after step two of talking, I could show you step three."
"We've been neglecting step three haven't we?"
"Maybe after tonight it will make a nightly occurrence."
"Nightly huh? Am I going on the road with you or are you staying home?"
Sidney just sat there and smiled at her. He brought his hand up and caressed her cheek "talk to me."
"I don't know where to begin really" she said with a sigh.
"All this had to have stemmed from losing the baby you were going to have with Rick, start there."
"You sure you'll be able to hear it?"
"If it makes you feel better and gets you through this, then yes, I will be able to hear it."
"I think it has a little to do with after I left here and moved to LA with Rick. When things changed with him and his attitude towards me and us. I felt alone and I guess in a way, I've never gotten over that."
"Do you feel alone with me?"
"Sometimes, but it's a different alone feeling. It's mostly when you go on long road trips. It's not the abandonment alone that he did."
"Makes sense" he said as Karen gave him a sad smile and put her hand to his cheek.
"Anyway, after that I tried to put on a brave face and hoped everything got better. When I got pregnant, I thought it would bring us closer together and fix us. I guess it pulled us further apart. For 8 months I thought of nothing but that baby and how it would be loved and a huge part of my life. Then when I lost it, I lost a lot more after that. I buried my feelings so deep because I knew it was really over between Rick and I. All that hurt from him and from losing a big part of me I didn't know how to handle it all. Shutting down made it seem easier you know" she said seeing him nod.
"I can understand that baby, but I was right here for you to talk to after that day in September."
"I know and I'm sorry for shutting you out but I wasn't sure how you'd handle all this. I was scared for you to know where this came from and I didn't want you to think I'm always comparing the two of you. I'm not and I never did."
"I know it's hard when your first true love hurts you like that."
"After I left him and until I met you, I've been on my own Sid. I've dealt with this sitting in a room for days until I felt like seeing people. I've cut off all communication for days, even weeks because I didn't want to hear all the 'how are you' from everyone. Then one day I did snap out of it, when I was ready."
"So you're not ready but I've been pushing you to be."
"You're heart was in the best place Sid. With not knowing all the back story you had no idea it would hit me like this. I know you're here for me, I know you love me and want me to get past this but like I said, I need to feel it on my own. You telling me to get over it and move on, just makes me bury it deeper and in the long run take it out on you. I don't want to take it out on you, I kind of love you and like having you around."
"The feeling is more than mutual baby. I guess I thought being tough would have snapped you out of it. I didn't think of the flip side to where it would drive you further away."
"I would have made my way back" she said looking into his eyes.
"How do you know?"
"Because our love is way more different then the love Rick and I had. From day one, you made me feel different about myself. I was hung up on our age and you didn't care and just wanted to love me. I think it applies now to where you don't care how crazy I get because you love me and know that's what'll win out in the end."
"I do love you Karen. How about I'll back off and let you get through this with the promise that you talk to me if it starts to get bad."
"I promise to try" she said smiling "but if I don't, promise me you'll just give me time and know that I will."
"Absolutely baby" he said bringing her in for a kiss. The kiss seemed to take on a life of it's own and Sidney scooted closer to Karen. His hand seemed to find it's way from her cheek to her breast and rested there for a while, lightly squeezing and massaging it. Karen managed to get up on her knees and move so she was straddling Sidney's lap without breaking their kiss. Sidney took the hint and moved his hands to her hips and held her tightly over him.
"You know this every once in a while needs to stop" she said breathless breaking their kiss.
"I know. We need to get back into the routine from when we were dating" he said getting a giggle out of her.
"I think the reason has always been that the end result I wouldn't become pregnant from it."
"That had to be hard on you baby."
"It was. I just love you so much that I want to give you the family you deserve."
"You are my family Karen and what I want or deserve is for us to be happy no matter what."
"We were happy before we talked about having kids and we will continue to be happy even after we do."
"Finally, a positive message coming out of that pretty mouth" he said getting them both to laugh. "Before and after every game, you have always told me the truth about everything. You were always so positive about how things turned out for me that you need to look in the mirror and do that for yourself."
"No" she said shaking her head "I need you to just keep telling me. Not that everything will be ok but something else and something positive."
"I think I might be able to do that" he said bringing her back in for a kiss. Karen broke the kiss again and got up off of his lap. "Where you going?" Sidney asked confused.
Karen just smiled and started walking towards the steps. Sidney watched her get to the bottom step and take off her tank top, throwing it towards his direction. She went up a couple more steps and stopped, bringing her shorts off her hips and down her legs. Karen went down a step and bent down picking up the shorts and throwing then over the railing. By now, Sidney got up and walked over to the bottom of the steps and saw Karen standing at the top of the stairs looking at him. She seductively ran her hands from her shoulders, over her breasts and down her stomach until she reached the hem of her panties, hooking her thumbs inside and pulling them down until they fell to the floor. Karen locked her eyes with Sidney's before smiling and walking to their bedroom. Sidney all but raced up the stairs and to their bedroom watching her climb into bed. He took off his shirt and shorts and climbed into bed and directly on top of her. Karen moved her legs so Sidney could fit in between them and he entered her slowly. There wasn't a need to rush through their love making and Sidney made it known by making each thrust last. Karen loved how Sidney was attentive towards her when they were in bed. Every touch, every kiss told her how much he loved her and loved being with her. Karen couldn't hold in her moans as her orgasm raced through her body causing her to arch her back and bury her head into the pillow. Sidney felt his own orgasm take over and he leaned down, kissing at her neck until he was done filling her up and collapsed on top of her. Karen wrapped her arms around his back as they tried to control their breathing. After a few minutes, Sidney removed himself from on top of Karen and laid down beside her, bringing her body into his.
"Can I ask you something baby?"
"Sure, what?"
"Were you angry when your parents died?"
"At one point, yes."
"Because they left you?"
"What are you getting at Sid?" she asked sitting up and looking at him.
"Well Rick left you and you tried to get over it, then your parents left you and that had to have been hard and brought back some feeling from Rick. Maybe there's a connection between the two."
"I never really thought about it" Karen said laying back down with him. "But my parents didn't mean to leave me. Rick made that decision a long time ago to leave me emotionally. I don't know what you could be getting at with this whole problem with Natalie."
"Maybe there's a similarity with Natalie deserting you on becoming our surrogate. Both your parents and Rick deserted you, Nat has too in a way." Karen laid there quiet and Sidney didn't like it. "Baby? I didn't mean to cause any more hurt with you but every time someone you love has left you, you've shut down and hid all your true feelings."
Karen sat up and hugged her knees "would you rather I be a basket case and let all my pent up emotions out?"
"You can let it out and still be rational and calm about it" Sidney said sitting up beside her. "Look at me?" he asked and when she didn't he brought his hand up and turned her face so she could look at him "what can I do to help you?"
"Don't leave me" she said as tears threatened to fall.
“Leaving was never an option Karen. I would have spent the
rest of my life just being in the same house with you even if we never spoke
again. You knew I was here when you needed me baby.” Sidney brought his hand up
to her cheek and leaned in to kiss her soft lips “I love you."
"I love you too."At some point during the night, Karen got up and went to the bathroom. When she was finished, she was drawn to the French doors and opened them quietly and walked out onto the balcony. The fall breeze hit her and she wrapped her arms around her letting the tears fall again.
“Why can’t I get through this? Why is this so hard for me to
except and get past?”
“You
will in time baby girl.”
Karen closed her eyes and knew that voice. She opened her
eyes and looked in the corner seeing a vision of her mom.
“What if I can’t? I don’t think my heart can take this?”
“Sweetie,
you had your hopes and dreams right in front of you then they were ripped away
in a matter of seconds. You have a right to feel this way baby.”
“But not for this long mom. I have never been one to dwell
on things. I’ve always been strong to just cry and get over it.”
“Baby,
this isn’t a bad grade or a rejection from a great college. This is something
different. You’re married and have the life you’ve dreamed about.”
“Not sure how much longer that will last. I’ve pushed him
away every time when he’s just wanted to hold me and tell me it’ll all be ok.”
“Well
apparently you haven’t pushed hard enough if he’s still here for you. Sidney’s
hurting too Karen and he needs the love and support from you that he’s giving
to you.”
“I just want what you and dad had with me. I want my family
complete.”
“Give
your hearts time to heal and the opportunity will arise again for you.”
Karen looked towards the misty figure “I miss you and daddy
so much. I’ve needed you so many times.”
“We’ve
always been around baby girl. We were there the day you met Sidney. We were
there when you got married at Mellon and at the church in Canada. We’ve been
watching every moment giving you the guidance you needed.”
Karen smiled “hopefully you haven’t been watching
everything.”
“Just
know we’ll always and forever be here when you need us. We love you so much and
couldn’t be happier with the choices you’ve made in your life. And when the time
comes for you to bring a baby into this family, we will have a grandbaby to
watch over as well. Daddy and I love you very much baby girl and know we are
always with you.”
Karen’s eyes filled with
tears “I love you guys too” she said choking out the words. She closed her eyes
to let the tears fall and felt another breeze cascade over her body. Karen
opened her eyes and saw she was alone on the terrace. She looked up to the
clear sky and took a deep breath letting it out slowly. She went inside and
looked around the bedroom seeing Sidney lying in bed. She walked over and got back in, curling up to his warm body and fell back asleep.Karen had woken up and felt Sidney's side of the bed but he wasn't there. She laid there for a minute and then sat up suddenly remembering what happened last night. Karen got up and went to get dressed before going out onto the balcony. She stood there and closed her eyes but nothing. "It had to have been a dream" she said looking around "but was it?" Karen went back inside and went to go find Sidney.
As she walked into the living room, she saw Sidney on the couch with a cup or coffee and watching TV.
"Hey" she said softly.
"Hey baby" he said looking at her "you ok?"
"I'm not sure. Did you feel me get out of bed last night?"
"I don't think you did, but you could have and then come back before I realized it. What's going on?" Karen wasn't sure if she should tell him or not "baby, you're scaring me." Karen went to sit by him and smiled, really smiled "where is that coming from?"
"I guess I had a dream last night that felt all too real and for some reason, I still feel bad about what happened with Natalie but I don't feel like hiding and just crying all the time. It's weird, like all the hurt is gone."
"Ok how is that possible?" he said turning off the TV and looking at her.
Karen turned and looked deep into Sidney's eyes "I'm so sorry Sid."
"You have nothing to be sorry for Karen."
"Yes I do. You were hurting about all this too and I decided to be selfish not see that you lost your chance to have a baby too. I really never meant to shut you out like that."
"Sssh baby it's ok" he said seeing her tears. "I knew eventually you'd come around but was it our talk last night?"
"Some of it made me feel better."
"What else happened?"
"Will you promise not to laugh at me or have me committed when I tell you?"
"I promise" he said laughing.
"I guess I had a kind of out of body dream but it seemed so real. I got up to go to the bathroom and instead of coming back to bed, I felt drawn to the balcony. I opened the doors and stood out there and I kind of said to myself about not being able to get over this and I swear my mom appeared and was talking me through it. She told me time will help heal our hearts and that I needed to see you were hurting too."
"Well, people are known to get clarity through dreams."
"But when I looked back at the bed, I wasn't in there with you. That's how I can't really tell if it was a dream or real."
"You do seem to have this relaxed look on your face" he said looking at her and into her eyes. "Maybe it was real."
"As much as I believe in the afterlife and the supernatural, I hardly think last night was real. But in any sense, talking to my mom was what I needed. If she and dad were still here, I would have gone to them right after everything that happened. I think she somehow knew I was struggling and came to help." Karen looked at Sidney and saw his expression "I know it sounds crazy but it helped."
"Then it's not crazy" he said motioning for her to sit with him. "You on the other hand..."
"Don't finish that sentence or you will be using your other hand."
Sidney just smiled and kissed her head "yes dear." They stayed curled up for another hour before Sidney had to go to practice.
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